It saddens me to write this post. I guess this is one thing about blogging I do not care for. I'm sure it is therapy for some to put into words some thoughts, but for me it is something I would rather skip. However, I do have some faithful blog friends and I like to share what is going on with us and I am (at least I think I am) a very transparent person.
I am no longer pregnant. I had a miscarriage over the weekend. Last Tuesday I went to my first doctor's appointment and the baby was measuring only 5 weeks and 6 days and by my calculations I was 8 weeks pregnant. My doctor was cautiously optimistic saying he has seen things go either way. He asked to see me back in a week. I kept trying to do the math and even if I was off a couple of days and the ultrasound was off up to a week, I never could make it add up in my head. I began some spotting which continued the rest of the week and on Saturday afternoon, without going into details, I was sure I was losing the baby. My doctor's appointment on Monday morning confirmed that the baby was no longer there and the only good news was that I would not need a D&C.
I grieved quite a bit on Monday night. The reality of it all hit pretty hard. Steven and I were able to go to dinner by ourselves to talk and process a little bit. We see such grace that God allowed me to realize what was happening a little bit at a time. Even from the beginning I was a tiny bit suspicious since I was not sick at all. It seems like it would have been harder to find out suddenly at an ultrasound. It appears as though the baby was not healthy and how kind of the Lord to take it before I became too attached. If it were even just a few more months from now, I would be experiencing a different level of grief.
That precious little life will never know the pain and suffering that this world brings. I am so grateful to have carried that baby even just the few short weeks that I did. I am not sorry I shared my news of being pregnant with friends and family. It was a joyful time and it is healing to also now share my grief with others. Friends and family have been so kind and I have sensed such a sincere comfort from so many. Not to mention so many friends who have also been through the same thing. I know that it is so very common, not that it makes me any less sad, but definitely a comfort to talk with women who have experienced the very same thing.
Our computer crashed a few weeks ago. We do now have a new one, my very own in fact...woohoo!! I have some fun things to update you on, our homeschool stuff, sewing, and one hilarious video. But, I have to download Picasa and get to know my new computer a little bit.
This weekend some of Steven's childhood buds are coming into town. They are playing in a flag football tournament. It is to raise money for our crisis pregnancy center here in town. Should be fun and hilarious. Then Steven's parents will be in town for several days. And finally we are headed to the beach for about a week with Scott, Laura Beth, and their two munchkins. While we are there, we will celebrate Luke's fourth birthday. My plan between now and then is to somehow sew two superhero capes for him. One batman, the other superman. Spiderman is his favorite, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't wear a cape. You know, I'm pretty new to the whole superhero thing. Not around it much since I grew up in a house with three sisters.
Also feel the need to tell you that Andrew is wearing. me. out. He is 18 months. That is pretty much all I need to say. Except that Luke was kind of a dream toddler. But I'm guessing he was the exception. Andrew is a pistol and a half. He gets mad if you look at him wrong. He is also fearless and have found him lately standing on the arm of the sofa ready to jump somewhere, anywhere, not even a thought as to how he might land. His latest thing is standing on Steven's back. He pretty much loves to climb on anything just to stand up once he gets on it, whatever it is. I looked up this morning and after about one second he had climbed from his highchair onto the kitchen table. (We have a wooden restaurant highchair that pulls directly up to the table and the seatbelt really won't hold him in.) The thing that makes me nervous is Ellie really didn't outgrow the "terrible twos" until she was well into her threes.
Well, just wanted to let you know what was going on with us. I'm sure there will be a few hard days, moments left to go through, but God is so faithful and sufficient to meet every need.